- How Do Kids Feel?
- How Do They Act?
- What Can You Do?
- Kids’ Club
How Do Kids Feel?
Kids frequently carry around a lot of guilt for their parent’s violence,
and often actually blame themselves. Children might see their father hit
their mother and think “If only I had picked up my toys, Daddy wouldn’t have
gotten mad and hit Mommy” or “If I was a better kid and didn’t get in
trouble, Daddy wouldn’t hurt Mommy.” When Dad tells Mom that if she hadn’t
done something to get him mad, he wouldn’t hurt her, this teaches the
children that their father isn’t responsible for his own actions when
someone doesn’t do something perfectly. To make things even more confusing,
the child is conflicted by the fact that s/he loves both parents. Can you
imagine how confusing it would be to see your father, whom you love, hurt
your mother, whom you also love? Kids feel a lot of guilt for loving the
abusive parent, and also get angry at their mother for doing something to
“deserve” the abuse. Kids who witness abuse are sent so many mixed messages,
it’s not surprising that they can feel so split down the middle.
Children who witness domestic violence don’t always realize that this
behavior might not be acceptable. To them, it seems normal, and if this is
the only family environment they are exposed to, they are going to think
that domestic violence is not only normal, but it is okay. They are being
taught that it is okay to hurt or be hurt by someone they love, especially
if they do something to make them angry.
Children who are exposed to domestic violence can behave in several different ways. Often they are very aggressive to other children or animals; these kids have learned that violence is an okay way to get what you want. Or, they may overcompensate and be model students. Many children who have witnessed domestic violence are misdiagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). Like children with ADD, these kids might have a hard time concentrating and may appear distracted and inattentive. However, they are most likely distracted because they are preoccupied by the violence in their home. Children exposed to domestic violence don’t feel safe in their own home and may be traumatized. They can appear anxious and easily startled.
Two of the most important things you can do for a child who has witnessed
domestic violence is to talk to him/her and to listen to what s/he has to
say. People in a violent relationship do not usually like to talk to about
it, and often try to hide it from the child or to try to minimize what
happened. This likely will further confuse the child and allow him/her to
make assumptions about violence and relationships. By talking about it, you
can reinforce that it is not their fault and that violence is not okay. Let
them talk about how scary it is, and how they feel. You can also talk to
them about keeping themselves safe the next time violence occurs. This is
called a safety plan. You can talk about where the child can go, whether it
is to his/her room or to a neighbor’s house, and what the child can do.
If you have concerns about your children, call our Crisis Line at (425)
656-7867 to speak with an advocate.
DAWN also offers Kids’ Club, which is open to all children in our community and is free of charge. Kids’ Club is series of group sessions which offer support and information to help kids deal with their exposure to domestic violence. Based on a national model, Kids’ Club can increase a child’s feeling of safety, decrease stress, anxiety and depression, and improve school readiness. Custodial parents join a number of the group sessions, but also meet in their own group to learn more about how to help their children cope with their experiences. A licensed mental health practitioner, who is very knowledgeable about domestic violence, facilitates the program. Contact (425) 656-4305 ext. 249 for details.
24-Hour Crisis Hotline
(425) 656-7867
